Since Robin Williams died. I know it may seem odd that I'm doin' this, but I feel a strong urge to make this journal simply because I've always felt that Robin Williams meant a lot to me; as a hero of mine. Having Aspergers and Depression makes for a shitty combination, as will many other such combinations. Watching Robin Williams though, I really connected to him. His energetic, quirky, and off the wall comedy style was something that I and many others were attracted too. But for me, it went deeper. That was the kind of comedy I was prone to using, granted I may not be the most skilled by any means. I saw myself in Williams; an off color and all around weird guy. I remember so many nights in my childhood where I'd finish the evening by watching Aladdin, Mrs Doubtfire, or Hook. And in later years, watching Good Will Hunting, the Birdcage, and Dead Poet's society. Here was a guy completely not giving a shit about what people thought of him. Someone who embraced his inner spark of madness so wholly and made no attempt to hide it. That really clicked for me since I've struggled with being socially stunted, finding it immensely difficult to find friends and even just talking to people without being that one weird guy. Hell, I've still got a lot of hangups about it these days. But with Williams, it was so hard not to be charmed by him, by the thought that someone made people laugh because he was weird. But not because he was that loon at the side of the street cracking shit jokes all the time, but a man who amused people by channeling that weird offbeat energy into funny hilarious shit jokes.
That so inspired me. To this day, watching Robin Williams' comedy still makes me think "God, if people can laugh with a guy like that, than maybe I have hope. That would be enough."
His death was devastating. Depression, Lewy Diffuse Body Syndrome, and Parkinson's all wrapped up into one crippling package. I grieved for a good week or so. I mean what the hell? That's not right! That's SO not right!!!!! THAT'S FUCKING NOT FAIR!!!! We can't lose a person like Robin. Not someone like him. Not someone with that kind of energy, kindness, optimism, and passion. To lose that kind of spirit.
The depression I couldn't believe. Robin was depressed? Now I realize that the way I handle my depression. Don't show it. Don't burden others. Just package it down into your psyche and smile. Y'know just do what the people say and don't be sad. It hurts. In a way I'm amazed that Robin survived for as long as he did with that kind of depression and the knowledge of what he was eventually going to become. A shell. Good days and Bad. Lucid and coalesced and diffused amongst the ethereal empty spaces in his brain.
Sometimes I fantasize that Robin is still here. That someone gives him a hug and tells him to talk as much as he needs to.
To one of a kind people.
Listening to: Led Zeplin, Breaking Benjamin
Playing: Batman Arkham Knight, Lego Hobbit
Drinking: Nectar from the freshest goddamn stream of life!